True sub or Domme? Switching roles, nurturing others and hedonism

“You seem quite assertive for a sub,” a Fet friend said to me last week.
“Oh no, I’m a true sub,” says I, “Looking for a real Dom.”
(Fingers down back of throat… I know, it’s ick).

“You’re Dorset’s sluttiest woman,” says another Fet friend on WhatsApp yesterday. I take that as quite an accolade. Yeah, I’m happy with that.

And now, this week… Switch. Who knew? Seems like Peggy did but she failed to tell me (the other part of me that resides in her body, because she definitely owns the body).

Learning to Domme is super-fascinating, and maybe even more so because I’ve recently experienced being Dommed. I don’t know if I’m much good at it yet but I have to say that it’s coming more easily than I thought it would (big pun intended).

This isn’t just about sexual kicks for me… and that’s the biggest aha lesson of this. I suddenly have more people to take care of in my life. People to check in with each day and respond to; emotions to consider. There’s this weight of their wellbeing that comes with it. And actually, I realize I can do that and I might even be good at it. THIS is what I felt the last guy who was trying to Dom me was overlooking. He didn’t give a big enough shit about my wellbeing, and seemed mostly interested in how much he was planning to punish me and with what implements.

Do I still want to be Dommed? I am a pain slut, and a little trip into subspace this weekend would help to relieve the stress and I know there are people willing to help me out with that.

So what happens if I chuck away the labels? Are they really necessary?

After laughing about my silly ‘true sub’ statement with my friend, he said, “I would place you as a hedonist who enjoys both elements of the given roles, depending on who you are interacting with.”
Perhaps I could be a Mutable Masochistic Hedonist? A Nurturing Slut? I think I’m just a lover of human beings, finding new ways to make people happy.

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Put in my place

“Do you want me to dominate you?”

I knew the question was coming and I didn’t know how to answer it when it did. It should have approached more slowly but I did something stupid today which brought things to a head, all because I’m in this new-sub-frenzy.

“You’re like the kid in the sweetshop. Just don’t OD too quickly.”

Letting my kink out of the closet has turned me into a junkie.

Orgasms are NOT wonderful when you keep having them all day and night. Right now they are fucking tedious. I’m barely getting any sleep. I don’t even have to touch myself or masturbate to cum. It’s not the first time in my life I’ve experienced periods of spontaneous orgasm but it’s certainly the most prolonged and intense. The only way to get relief is to masturbate really hard, which shuts it all down for a few hours. And then it’s back.

So if you tell me not to masturbate, it’s making it worse.
Tell me to stop sexting with other people.
Tell me to stop looking at Kinky & Popular.
Tell me to do the housework that I’ve been neglecting (and yes, the place is a mess).

He told me there’d be consequences. I just seemed to accept that. No doubt in my mind. Doesn’t that mean his question has already been answered?

On being told what to wear

“I feel like my ego is being publicly dismantled,” I wrote to a friend earlier.
“My logical brain is struggling to make sense of this!”
“That’s the point, dear Peggy, there is no logic to it,” he replied.

I disagree. All behaviours are driven by deep psychological needs. Sexual satisfaction may be outside the realms of logic, but submitting control of my life to a dominant male figure? It goes against every choice I’ve made in my life up until now.

“Sir needs to know about the clothing and lingerie that Peggy owns so that he can decide what she will wear tonight.” I held my breath and resisted an immediate response. I’d fought so hard to win this right from my Mother as a girl and still felt incensed by her attempts to control how I dressed into my teens . “You do look lovely in a dress”, or “You’re not wearing any make-up”, as I’d head out the door to go off with friends. The result being I took to living in jeans and giving up lipstick. That’s still who I am: a reaction to her opinions. Am I about to become defined by someone else’s preferences for me now?
“You do not own me (yet) and I will decide to choose what I am going to wear,” was the response Sir got eventually.

Later on, I change my profile, thinking, “I didn’t come here for this!” so I write “I’m not willing to be controlled by a man,” wondering if I’m really a submissive woman after all.

The friend (a male Dom) comes back with this:
“I must admit to being confused by your need to be dominated but not controlled, but you reacted positively to being sent to bed. Do you like to be told what to do and wear, for instance? Tops can beat a sub – that’s not the issue. Making a sub emotionally want to be Topped is a completely different skill.”

Huh. Another level opens up. What does it mean to emotionally want to be Topped? If I want to be told what to do and what to wear? What does that reduce me to and could I live with that?

Altered states of pleasure and pain

It seems natural to write about this strange and wonderful world that I’ve suddenly plunged into but my head has been spinning for days and I don’t know where to start.

Opening up to my kinky side has unleashed a powerful wave of energy that’s been held tight inside me since I-don’t-know-when. This energy is coursing through me day and night and I’m barely sleeping, and I am on the edge of orgasm most of the time, in a heightened state of arousal. In an altered state of consciousness at times, so that I’ve realized that I’m not actually in a fit state to drive. Somehow I’m functioning, just. Work and responsibilities still being met. Whilst it’s utterly delicious much of the time, it’s not a state I could continue to function well in. I’m an artistic producer and I can’t even get my head around creating new work at the moment as I’m just driven by lust for pain and submission and orgasm. This must be what they call new sub frenzy.

It was a relief today when the Dom who is helping me explore my sub nature forbid me to touch myself until tomorrow, freeing the professional aspect of me to get on with my work. But this brings another train of thought with it…. I have been pretty resistant to the idea of submitting my will to another. But what if that’s what I need? What if this power is too much for me to handle on my own? Suddenly I’m considering this as more than just a kink to be enjoyed for sexual fulfillment.

But submission requires trust. How can I give that to anyone again?

What if I’m just here because I want to be hurt? As a form of self-harm? I do want to be hurt. The physical pain wipes out the traces of the mental pain and anguish that were there so recently. That’s the kind of pain I never want to experience again. Physical pain I can take.