Covering my tracks on the way back: overcoming a dementor when you don’t have a reasonable Patronus charm in your bag of tricks

I had to face something disturbing about myself today: I tell lies.
He calls them “small half truths” and I receive that as a kindness which I know I don’t deserve. And I realize that I have been fashioning the truth for years. I could accept it as creative licence for rewriting a reality I don’t accept but that doesn’t feel like it comes close enough to what I owe to make redress.
Maybe it was just a defence that I got too comfortable with. I can know how dirty, tragic, vulnerable I am, but if I let him see it too then I’ll be lost. I need his good opinion of me so badly. But why didn’t I trust that I could be real and he would still accept me? In the moment of not-trusting, the fear became a self-fulfilling thing. And so the real crime here was my own doubt…. doubt that I AM a good person. It’s my fault. I behaved badly, damaged his opinion of me… caused him harm, even. I don’t know.

I write this much and walk away for a few hours. Put the kettle on. That’s how I work lately. There is so much I’m processing that I can’t get perspective on it. I try reading poetry or erotica here – stuff that I used to love a few weeks ago – and the words won’t line up coherently and make any sense in my brain. Some words jump out at me. That’s as good as it gets. I force my eyes to track along the lines but the sound of my voice in my head speaking the words is gone. All I can hear is that extended beeeeeeeep that the TV used to make when the programmes finished late at night. I used to like that time: switch off. Enforced single-pointed focus. The time when you knew that the best option was to go to bed, maybe read a book, but you’d be asleep with it on your chest within half an hour. Now I have the option for constant communication with someone in the world somewhere at any time and the circle of people I care about is truly global. It’s eating my neural pathways and turning me into a goldfish.

Whilst hopping around and wondering where this journal entry is going, I read this:

Growing up I didn’t have the luxury of venting, saying negative things I didn’t mean. I couldn’t just say something and take it back later. Being angry wouldn’t have been an excuse. I was angry for decades, and I still had to watch what I said… {A World Where People Don’t Say What They Mean }

My house/family was like that too. You learned to be careful about what you said. Anything you said might be used against you later in anger, twisted around to hurt you by a parent that couldn’t deal with their own emotional lability. Only one person in my household was allowed to vent. And she was also the one that always had to remain blameless, whose virtue and glory we all tried to uphold for the sake of world peace.
But it got me back to thinking about my small half truths.
My mother was like a highly trained sniffer dog, hunting out your little gems of joy and nuggets of experience {I just saw her as a Dementor from Harry Potter and it’s a pretty good analogy, only she couldn’t be deflected by a Patronus charm or thinking happy thoughts}. I learned to hide my truths and gems and nuggets of life in places where she couldn’t find them. And you had to hide the trail too, so that her suspicions weren’t aroused. Put the little shiny thing in a sealed container, inside a locked box, in a dark corner of an abandoned room in the furthest reaches of your heart-palace. Brush over your tracks on the way out and wait until you were fully and safely and properly alone before returning and taking the precious treasure out to turn it over lovingly in your hands. This usually took place at night, when I felt safest to travel there. I would stay there for as long as possible and enjoy the silence and the space. The being alone-ness. Then creep back into my human shell before dawn for some deeper sleep before waking up in the Mad World once again: the Mad World of walking on eggshells around this crazy woman that could go off at any time. And the man with the gaping sucking heart wound at his centre that terrified the life out of me.

And here I find myself, wondering why, despite everything he and I have said about honesty, I’m still covering my tracks and hiding small half truths in places that I hope he won’t find.

Can I offer my submission, and my need to be owned whilst holding this fear of being torn apart and psychically possessed? Where do the boundaries lie because I’ve never experienced relationship this way, and it’s so intense and richly beautiful but I’ve been possessed before and it’s no fun. Am I extending myself into a position of potential abuse, similar to the relationships I’ve had in the past? Can I trust that this man is truly different… I feel he is, and we are… but experience has taught me to be wary and I’ll still be covering my tracks on my way back from my heart-palace at night. But it’s possible I’ll share the map with him soon.


On safewords and fear

Last night I shouted Red for the first time.
Motherfucking evil pair of nipple clamps from hell.
Applied once and then removed; when they were brought out the second time, apparently I recoiled in fear. I think I pleaded, No!
Not that it would do me any good. He gave me a choice, of which the better option must have been the clamps as they were reapplied quite soon.

The weirdness is not remembering things. I couldn’t recall exactly what triggered me to use the Safe Word. I asked him today. He said it was when he tugged the chain on the clamps. All I remember is the flash of pain. Head swimming. Breathing speeding up. Not wanting to be touched. And my concern for his concern, which I could feel around me. His gentle questions checking I’m OK that I could not respond to there and then.

I wanted to find the edge of my fear. Last night it was there. I know it won’t always be there, in the motherfucking evil pair of nipple clamps from hell. I change and evolve, so I’m sure my fear does too. There were slivers of fear in between the stripes from the belt, the blows from the paddle, but mostly it dissovled into the dissociative state that my mind has learned to adopt to protect me from danger. I’m sure this isn’t subspace though I haven’t been there yet.

I wonder what it is about fear that makes me want to stick my hand into the fire and smell the hairs on my arm burn, the flesh turn red. More than one Dom has said to me that fear should be a Hard Limit. Anyone whose bottom is bared and prepared for a lashing or twelve should experience some fear, though.

True sub or Domme? Switching roles, nurturing others and hedonism

“You seem quite assertive for a sub,” a Fet friend said to me last week.
“Oh no, I’m a true sub,” says I, “Looking for a real Dom.”
(Fingers down back of throat… I know, it’s ick).

“You’re Dorset’s sluttiest woman,” says another Fet friend on WhatsApp yesterday. I take that as quite an accolade. Yeah, I’m happy with that.

And now, this week… Switch. Who knew? Seems like Peggy did but she failed to tell me (the other part of me that resides in her body, because she definitely owns the body).

Learning to Domme is super-fascinating, and maybe even more so because I’ve recently experienced being Dommed. I don’t know if I’m much good at it yet but I have to say that it’s coming more easily than I thought it would (big pun intended).

This isn’t just about sexual kicks for me… and that’s the biggest aha lesson of this. I suddenly have more people to take care of in my life. People to check in with each day and respond to; emotions to consider. There’s this weight of their wellbeing that comes with it. And actually, I realize I can do that and I might even be good at it. THIS is what I felt the last guy who was trying to Dom me was overlooking. He didn’t give a big enough shit about my wellbeing, and seemed mostly interested in how much he was planning to punish me and with what implements.

Do I still want to be Dommed? I am a pain slut, and a little trip into subspace this weekend would help to relieve the stress and I know there are people willing to help me out with that.

So what happens if I chuck away the labels? Are they really necessary?

After laughing about my silly ‘true sub’ statement with my friend, he said, “I would place you as a hedonist who enjoys both elements of the given roles, depending on who you are interacting with.”
Perhaps I could be a Mutable Masochistic Hedonist? A Nurturing Slut? I think I’m just a lover of human beings, finding new ways to make people happy.

Listen to your inner voice

I have lived with abusive partners too many times in my life.
I lost years of my life this way.

First sign is to spot the moment when he makes you doubt yourself.
When he’s challenged, or backed into a corner, he will defend by attacking you and making out it’s your fault. If he’s good at this (and he usually has had years of practice) he will hit you somewhere close to where you doubt yourself, so that you feel he might be right. He will twist some little insight that he’s gleaned from you and turn it into a glaring fault. And you will respond to his accusation with guilt and shame. They hit you in the guilt and shame because that’s where you’re most likely to keep quiet. Oh my god, if he’s right, I can’t let anyone else see this about me…. and so you batten down and keep it to yourself.

That becomes step two. He’s isolating you. He’s stopping you from talking to anybody else about what’s happened. You don’t want to admit what a fool you’ve been. But he forgives you, and absolves you, and so you go to him for relief. The dirty little secret between you builds, and that becomes step three. He has you now.

That’s it, there…. you’re wrapped tight in his sticky web. All he has to do is keep employing these tricks and slowly slowly the gaslighting extends and before too long you think that you’re insane. You think no one else will ever want you. There are no friends around to put you straight because they all hate him and you fell out with them ages ago about why the hell you’re still with him. And you don’t even know.

If you’re lucky, you’ll catch a glimpse of his true colours before he’s bedded in. Remember, it’s that moment when he makes you doubt yourself.
Don’t fall for it.
Trust your inner voice and take action before it’s too late.

On being a “three hole” submissive


The Rules‘ arrived by email, 9 days ago, after my second coffee date with the Prince of Darkness.  As he’d already taken to instructing me on what to wear, and asking me not to swear, and insisting that I arrive on time (and no, a text message to say I was stuck in traffic was not considered acceptable, and I still received a very public lecture about my lateness that day), I had naively asked him what his ‘rules’ were.  I thought it would tell me more about this quiet, enigmatic man that I was becoming so drawn to.

What I did not expect was a document explicitly setting out the sexual parameters for our relationship.  Parameters that focused heavily on punishment and discipline. Parameters that included my punishment being delivered by other males and females, as The Top might see fit.  And that The Top may outline the punishment before it is delivered, if he desires, but he might not.  And that Punishment may include Corner Time, when The Top decrees (I’m still wondering why so many subs on FetLife get freaked out about Corner Time – clearly I haven’t a clue).

Was this what I thought I’d be doing when I created my profile on FetLife? Holy fucking hell.  Noooo way.  Never.  I was a girl that liked a bit of rough sex, being spanked, sucking cock, and I wanted more.  That’s what I thought.  I can’t help laughing now, at the me I was two weeks ago.  Silly, stupid girl.

I recognised in myself the horror that Ana felt when presented with Christian’s contract (oh yes, I just broke the Golden FetLife Rule and mentioned 50SoG) and it made it all the more surreal.  My life had turned into something from a bad FanFic novel! I walked around giggling about this for a day.

With the Rules, the PoD wrote:  “Something for you to reflect upon. Don’t make a snap judgement but talk to me about them!”
“I would like you to be specific about my ‘general behavioural issues’, please.”
“Timekeeping for one. x”, was all I received.  Suddenly our long written evening communications dried up and I couldn’t fathom this out.
“Are you forgetting that I was early yesterday?” I typed. “Feeling pretty freaked out right now and wish I’d bought 2 bottles of wine instead of just one.”
“Stay with it and breathe.”  Came the very minimal response from him.

And here’s the thing.  I stayed with it and I kept breathing.  We kept having coffee dates; now sitting holding hands across the table, smiling inanely at each other.  If this arrangement is just for the PoD to get his sadistic rocks off, it doesn’t feel that way to me.
One morning I get this text: “I think about you all the time xxxx”
“Ditto xxxx”, I reply.

I go back and read The Rules and now they make me feel horny as hell.  I still don’t know what any of this means but there’s no way I’m quitting yet.  I still have so many questions.  My biggest fear is not about being physically harmed because I trust him to look after me.  But can I trust him with my heart?

The Rules (or, the parameters for providing sensual and erotic discipline as part of a sexual relationship)


These rules set out the parameters of the relationship between “The Top”, (xxxx) and “The Submissive” (xxxx).  The rules can be amended, at any time, by The Top, but The Submissive can only make suggestions for amendment and seek the agreement of The Top.

The Purpose

These rules are put in place to address both the poor behaviour of The Submissive including swearing and blaspheming, as well as general behavioural issues, together with providing sensual and erotic discipline as part of a sexual relationship.  They are agreed by both parties as being necessary and reasonable to address the issues set out in the Purpose.

  1. At all times, The Submissive will do as she is told, without question. If there is backchat or refusal to do as she is told, The Top will set out and administer a punishment of his choice.
  2. Punishment can be to any part of the body (apart from the head) and will be accepted immediately by The Submissive. Punishment will be administered by The Top at a time he decides (apart from during the Menstrual Period Cycle – MPC). If punishment is due to be administered during the MPC, it will be delayed until after that time.
  3. Punishment will be by open hand spanking or the use of any implement as The Top decides to use.
  4. Punishment will be in any position of The Submissive as The Top may decide.
  5. The Top will decide what, if any, clothes may be worn by The Submissive during her punishment.
  6. The Top can examine all parts of The Submissive’s body, checking for cleanliness.
  7. The Top will decide when sufficient punishment has been administered. He may outline the punishment before it commences if he desires.  Punishment will include Corner Time when The Top decrees.
  8. The Top, or others (male or female), may punish The Submissive as The Top decides and Rules 1-7 above, shall still apply.
  9. The Submissive will be a “three hole” Submissive and The Top can use any of the holes as he desires for his pleasure. This rule, like 8 above, can be delegated to other females to perform.
  10. The Submissive will provide oral or hand relief as The Top desires, to part or full completion, to any part of the Top as he decrees. The Submissive will also provide the same for females as the Top decrees. The Submissive will swallow ejaculate if instructed to.
  11. The Top may ejaculate on or in any part of The Submissive’s body.
  12. In company, The Submissive will seek permission to use the toilet. This permission maybe withheld if The Top desires. At times if The Top desires, he will watch The Submissive urinate.
  13. The Submissive will, at times of The Top’s choosing, be required to masturbate to completion whilst naked, in the presence of The Top and/or others, using any Toys and following any instructions that The Top may give.
  14. The Submissive will, at times, be required to be out without wearing underwear. The Top can ask her to display herself whilst in that state.
  15. The Submissive will, at all times, keep her pubic area free of bodily hair or, as a minimum, neatly trimmed. The Top can examine her as he wishes to ensure this rule is adhered to. The Top can also shave The Submissive, when he so desires.
  16. The Top can attach any clamps and or restraints to The Submissive either as punishment or as bodily adornments, at any time, for his pleasure.
  17. The safety of The Submissive will, at all times, be paramount and no long-term marks will be left on her body.
  18. A safeword will be discussed and agreed which can be used at any time during play by The Submissive and the play will stop immediately.
  19. The Submissive is not allowed to masturbate or arouse herself in anyway, without the prior permission of The Top.
  20. The Submissive must measure herself against all these rules and on a weekly basis, at the beginning of each week, she is to report to The Top about her behaviour and whether or not she has transgressed any of the above rules.


Signed……………………………………  The Top


Signed…………………………………….  The Submissive



Screw the roses, give me the thorns


You ask me what I want…
I want to know you and the deepest darkest crevices of your mind, but since we started meeting up for coffee, you have stepped back and become closed in our communications. And so I reach out frantically, trying to pull you in again. Maybe you never really were ‘in’ before and I just imagined it because that’s how I wanted it? You were always prickly but I prefer the thorns.

I see the extent of your control now and it is clinical.
You are a mystery and a challenge to me now.
Do you want the emotional connection or just someone to beat, I wonder?
Is a good sub evaluated by how long she can stand your thrashings and that alone?

Anything I do, or agree to do, is purely to try to reach you now. But I don’t think you want to be reached, known, pushed…. If you just want a woman to beat, that won’t be enough for me. I want to explore the dynamics and rewards of a full power exchange relationship. I want to watch you walking by and feel it, “That’s my man.”
[I already do.]

I want to live with the anticipation that I feel on days when I’m going to see you and the fluttering worrying about my appearance [because you will inspect it closely].  Knowing my lateness could lead to a lecture, but then you smile and let me off because I’m wearing a short skirt today.  Your regular tease about which coffee blend I want: I’m touched that you’ve remembered this particularity about me ever since our first cafe date.

I want you to know all of me and to want my submission to be your daily duty.