the silver lining of these days

within the grey, the beauty of the rain,
the endless swell of jilted wakings,
wishing sleep could stay.

the empty pillow next to me –
11 days.

when you arrive I will sink deeply into you,
taking you in with great gulps of air, the balance returned to who we are.

I won’t need words (- forbid me to speak), we used them up in weeks of lunchtime calls, the broken lines and daily blocks to communication. when you arrive I wish only to speak with my body, to serve; to sleep at your feet and find peace in being your pet again.

when you are gone,
leave me with marks that last until the days begin to stretch and I can face the mornings with more strength again.

I am learning patience and the benefits of waiting, and whether you bring punishments or rewards, both are as longed for in the loneliness of this new-year-empty-ache.

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Ways to know life: reflections on Anais

“The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say.”
– I look for the things that are hidden or obscured. I’m drawn to the confessional. I want to pour it all out and I don’t care if no one’s listening. No fear or shame in the dignity of your experience (Kerouac). If you don’t like the way I write, you don’t have to read my stuff. If it challenges you or you disagree with something, join in. I love to discuss and develop ideas. Don’t hang back, please. This is how I learn and interpret better.

“I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live.”
– This world falls short all the time. Not the natural world, which astounds me with its awesome, sublime, magical, fierce beauty every day. But the socially constructed world. These days if you can make it to adulthood without being seriously angry-sad and screwed up about the state we’re in, you must be emotionally dead. Wake the fuck up. The rainforests are nearly all gone. What happens then, people? But just keep consuming your acres of plastic and petrochemicals and happy fucking fried whopper-zinger-hormone-pumped dead animal patties and nothing else will matter, ‘k?
Greed and entitlement engulf everything, it seems. I want what’s mine and what I’m owed, they say. So they take it and turn blind eyes to those in society that are unable to stand up and take, have no way to compete for the resources that the few hold while the many go without.

“Ordinary life does not interest me.”
– I reached this point around the age of 10 and started to withdraw from the ordinary. My visions and dreams were so much more absorbing anyway, so I wrote them down. The journey inward began and my exploration of inner space which is endlessly fascinating and limitless. When I’ve had to conform to a prescribed, contemporary lifestyle for any length of time, I’ve become a weak and flickering shadow of myself. I need to be able to leave here and go to the other dimension every day in order to stay vital. Music helps. The sea helps. Drinking tea helps. Loving people helps. These things, I firmly believe are magical, not ordinary.

“There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.”
– It doesn’t matter how you get it, just that you do. Pick up the fragments and keep them with you. Piece them together, bit by bit. Notebooks help. Photographs help. Art helps. Dreams help. Connections begin to emerge and take shape when you can put the pieces together in one place and allow them to syncretize. And moments of instant illumination can and do happen. They are astoundingly beautiful when they occur.

“People living deeply have no fear of death.”
– The death urge has always been strong in me. I faced it down, at 10. It was going to consume me if I didn’t. Now, in my 40s, I see friends facing their mortality for the first time: wrinkles and grey hair can do that to you. I wonder how life would have been different if death hadn’t featured on my radar so early on but really I can’t imagine having lived all these years without having come to terms with it. It was liberating.

But your answers won’t be my answers and your way to liberation could lie somewhere else than mine. I just hope that you find it. Seek it out and don’t wait another day. Remember this: Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

Thank you, Anais.