“I feel like my ego is being publicly dismantled,” I wrote to a friend earlier.
“My logical brain is struggling to make sense of this!”
“That’s the point, dear Peggy, there is no logic to it,” he replied.
I disagree. All behaviours are driven by deep psychological needs. Sexual satisfaction may be outside the realms of logic, but submitting control of my life to a dominant male figure? It goes against every choice I’ve made in my life up until now.
“Sir needs to know about the clothing and lingerie that Peggy owns so that he can decide what she will wear tonight.” I held my breath and resisted an immediate response. I’d fought so hard to win this right from my Mother as a girl and still felt incensed by her attempts to control how I dressed into my teens . “You do look lovely in a dress”, or “You’re not wearing any make-up”, as I’d head out the door to go off with friends. The result being I took to living in jeans and giving up lipstick. That’s still who I am: a reaction to her opinions. Am I about to become defined by someone else’s preferences for me now?
“You do not own me (yet) and I will decide to choose what I am going to wear,” was the response Sir got eventually.
Later on, I change my profile, thinking, “I didn’t come here for this!” so I write “I’m not willing to be controlled by a man,” wondering if I’m really a submissive woman after all.
The friend (a male Dom) comes back with this:
“I must admit to being confused by your need to be dominated but not controlled, but you reacted positively to being sent to bed. Do you like to be told what to do and wear, for instance? Tops can beat a sub – that’s not the issue. Making a sub emotionally want to be Topped is a completely different skill.”
Huh. Another level opens up. What does it mean to emotionally want to be Topped? If I want to be told what to do and what to wear? What does that reduce me to and could I live with that?