It seems natural to write about this strange and wonderful world that I’ve suddenly plunged into but my head has been spinning for days and I don’t know where to start.
Opening up to my kinky side has unleashed a powerful wave of energy that’s been held tight inside me since I-don’t-know-when. This energy is coursing through me day and night and I’m barely sleeping, and I am on the edge of orgasm most of the time, in a heightened state of arousal. In an altered state of consciousness at times, so that I’ve realized that I’m not actually in a fit state to drive. Somehow I’m functioning, just. Work and responsibilities still being met. Whilst it’s utterly delicious much of the time, it’s not a state I could continue to function well in. I’m an artistic producer and I can’t even get my head around creating new work at the moment as I’m just driven by lust for pain and submission and orgasm. This must be what they call new sub frenzy.
It was a relief today when the Dom who is helping me explore my sub nature forbid me to touch myself until tomorrow, freeing the professional aspect of me to get on with my work. But this brings another train of thought with it…. I have been pretty resistant to the idea of submitting my will to another. But what if that’s what I need? What if this power is too much for me to handle on my own? Suddenly I’m considering this as more than just a kink to be enjoyed for sexual fulfillment.
But submission requires trust. How can I give that to anyone again?
What if I’m just here because I want to be hurt? As a form of self-harm? I do want to be hurt. The physical pain wipes out the traces of the mental pain and anguish that were there so recently. That’s the kind of pain I never want to experience again. Physical pain I can take.